so it’s been over a week since I’ve posted a blog entry….
I’m not bored, I could easily written notes here on what was on my mind during the week at free moments (I did and didn’t have some free time… huh? yeh)
I think the hardest part is the surreal feeling of that him being gone and me thinking I was going to see him again and thinking I’d see him at my mom’s house, etc… I actually thought I saw him 2x this past week….
I had a full revolution of thoughts that went back to my toddler days and even before that…. in that medley or storm of thoughts really…… and in no organized way, here are some words:
My mother literally came here with less than $100 in her pocket to her name and has no post high school education…
she was so broke she had to do a few days in jail for a traffic violation…. she lived in a 200 sq foot garage space in Pomona…. then in City Terrace(pretty much the slums, no disrespect) Her first time trying a big mac was in the late 60’s and she said it was the most delicious food she’d ever tasted then….
She wasn’t the smartest business woman on earth, but she made millions off working her ass off…. she also lost a lot…. she averaged 65 hours of work a week since 1971 to this day. but since 1994 she’s taken monday’s off ONLY. NOBODY EVER GAVE MY MOTHER SHIT, NOT A SINGLE CO-SIGN NADA…. ALL WENT THE HARD WAY, THE HIGH ROAD… ETC ETC
She literally turned cabbage to cashmere inside 15 years and almost killed herself to give me my brother and my sister a better life in America. true story
I still grew up in Korea Town while my brother and sister were in boarding schools…. My mother in the mid 80’s could have easily afforded a huge house in a nice neighborhood, but spent money on our family’s education (i’m talking during the 80’s…. this school tuition was what current tuition is at USC!)
I got kicked out of over 20 schools from pre-school(yes pre-school) to high school…. I cut the phone cord in my classroom once when a substitute teacher tried to call the principal on me…. I was arrested at 11 for grand theft larceny…. I was arrested for vandalism as well and always in trouble. I can’t imagine the heartache I caused my family…. And since there was a tiny communication barrier between my parents and myself and since they were so busy working trying to give me a good life, I was too stupid to understand and be a good kid…. I think my mom thought money would replace love and affection (don’t get me wrong, my mother loves me to death and I know it and I’m pretty sure from hearing from my brother and sister that she favored me over them)…. but I didn’t realize until around 25 years of age how much I really appreciated what she tried to do for me…. she worked so hard for me to get the education she never had…. one she or her family could never afford…. back then, education opened up much more opportunity than it does now; I feel like unless you’re studying to be a doctor or lawyer, college is a waste of money (i’m prolly missing other degrees like business, etc for being a cpa; but I know a lot of amazing stock brokers/traders who don’t have a college degree, etc)… I didn’t realize until my sophomore year in college how much of a waste of time it was…. I only went to please my parents….
meanwhile my brother has been a genius since I could remember… he took a IQ test early and from there he was in boarding schools with the kennedy’s and bush’s and many blue bloods in the east coast (boston to be exact) he got a 1580 on his SAT in his freshman year in high school and never took it again (HE MISSED 1 QUESTION WITH NO PRIOR PREPARATION) and my dad beat his ass for missing that 1 question….. He got accepted into every single ivy league school as did I think everyone from Phillips Academy Andover/Exeter (where he went to high school, google it, the most prestigious high school on earth in the last 50 years) also got into whatever school they applied to….. and out here on the west coast… I’m out bombing buses and gangbanging with crips doin dumbshit to get acceptance elsewhere thinking I was cool… (btw, my sister did really well too and graduated from Scripps College and has never ever been out of a job and to me is the most successful person in my family)
so where am I going with this?
out of all this shit… after the age 17, I got what I didn’t ask for…. cut off…. after all the bullshit, all the trouble, all the heartache, I was financially cut off….. no big deal since I felt like most of my friends already didn’t really have shit…. but I went to Beverly Hills High School for a few years with so many kids who had crazy doors open and waiting to be opened by door men for them as soon as they turned 18…. I mean from Lenny Kravitz, Angelina Voight aka Jolie…. Guy Oseary(made his own way), (even LOON went to my HS lol) but more so the heirs to so many HUGE businesses and no worries in the world about getting a job…. me and some of my boy’s who were bussed in were on the grind from our sophomore year in high school to graduation…. I was always scheming some kind of plan to be rich…. I knew I had a way with words and had the gift of gab…. I knew even with my long face I was good looking enough to kill shit some way some how…. I always had a pretty girl beside me…. always got my way…. so I knew I could learn how to equate that into dollar signs…. and eventually I did…. BUT NOT UNTIL I PAID A LOT OF DUES….. being Tia Carrere’s assistant… being a lacky/PA on independent films (even worked on Joy Luck Club) to handing out cards for the Roxbury Nightclub at nice restaurants and other nice nightclubs before I could get my change to really do what I want and that’s DJ….
in the midst of paying dues and working my way(I was making like $200 a week and living with roommates and even got my car stolen in the middle of coming up and had no car!)…. I got a huge co-sign from Lou Adler (Rock and Roll GOD, Icon in hollywood and the music biz) BUT MANNN, he grew up in East Los, so since I wasn’t one of his sons…. nothing was easy…. but he didn’t really open a door. I never had a door opened prior to the age 30 really, maybe even 33…. I had a crack and a small one that I had to either bust down or pry open while breaking my fingers trying….. point is though… at least I had doors in my eyesight… most people don’t even get the chance.
my biggest memory through all of this wasn’t meeting Denzel and being buddies with him…. or meeting Dr. Dre and being his asian homey…. it was inviting my parents to lunch and having them enter the CNN building on sunset blvd and waiting in a fancy lobby until the receptionist called my secretary who then walked them into my huge corner office and the look on my mom’s eyes? PRICELESS…. she shed a tear. All her friends kids who went to UCLA to NYU to even Harvard… weren’t even making $100k yet and still living off and with their parents…. meanwhile… I was chillin, overseeing 26 employees under my dept and pushing a lexus with calls from Jay Z and Tupac on hold…. now my mom didn’t know who any of those people were and she didn’t give a shit…. she was just so happy to see me work hard and DO IT!
skip to 14 years later and a lot of mistakes, success, failures, bad relationships….. none of that money shit matters at all…. my biggest disappointment today is the fact that I’m 37 years of age and my pops didn’t get to live to see me get married or have a child. I don’t think in anyway that I’m a failure, but damn…. he asked me earlier this year, but never pressured me or pressed on me about it… neither did my mom and she hates everyone… my mom has met 4 women in my life (technically 5, but she met my last ex 1 single time and said out loud in front of her customers and my pops, I don’t like this girl, she looks dirty and had bad energy; fucking crazy huh? my mom is BIG, super big on energy/ feng shuy and can feel shit out…. she asked me to never ever bring her around ever… my mom didn’t hear or know of anything else) so anyways….
I’m taking steps towards a different direction and feel blessed that I have the opportunity to. Not feeling blessed so much because I have some money, but blessed because I have OPTIONS….
if I want to do something important or go somewhere to find inspiration, WELL THEN I’M FUCKING GOING! If I want to wear my best shit on a bicycle ride to k-town, THEN I’M DOING IT! until I have children, xmas doesn’t mean shit to me, outside my family gatherings…. I don’t care about gifts or presents… I can get whatever I want on my own…. there are so many other thoughtful items I love to receive from loved ones…. but I’m not going to wait til a special day to buy my mom a TV or take her to the fanciest restaurant on her bday… I’M TAKING HER ON ANY TUES AFTERNOON SHE WANTS….. tomorrow isn’t guaranteed…. fuck, tonight isn’t guaranteed! you can take advantage and not be greedy!
during the past couple months, I’ve gotten rid of excess possessions and extra shit and kept it to necessities and a few luxuries…. I cut the fat and I’m trying to live a lean or leaner lifestyle (no pun on the lean aka oil)… I had the crazy cars…. I just want to have a cool comfortable car…. I used to dream of being famous as a child, but I somehow always seemed to get what I dreamed of…. and that’s not what I want at all in life…. I don’t want to be a billionaire… a 20 million liquid millionaire is fine lol…. but for real….. the final stage in life is to raise a family. I can’t ask for anything more. To some it’s not much, to some it’s everything…. I know thousands of people younger than me who want to have kids, but weren’t ready…. some waited too long… some weren’t ready but it ended up being a blessing….. well I’m saying, I’m not in a rush, but If I’m blessed to bring a child in this world inside the next 5 years….. I’m all good….. if not, I’m still all good. BUT I will make sure to give my kid/s what my parents gave and more…. they raised me with way less money (even though it was different times then and our economy was different) I have way more opportunity and connected dots and links than they had…. so by every means I will use them…. I thank them for giving me so much culture at a young age…. for taking me to places so many of my friends have never experienced til they were fully grown adults…. I thank them for whipping my ass into shape.
I can never ever ever ever re-pay my family for what and how much they’ve done for me…. but I hope they can understand “YOU ARE APPRECIATED”
damn this is a lot of text huh? too bad fuckers!
during all this time of mourning and still mourning…. I really really see who my friends are… and clearly as I’ve proved before: I have very few true friends…. but I have a lot of comrades and homey’s and hundreds of thousands of acquaintances…… I been through the stages of being broke while my boys had bread…. and vice versa…. it wasn’t until we all got a little bit of money that we saw who was really still cool with each other.
So I know my pops wouldn’t want me to stop everything for him because he was so damn unselfish…. but I had to stop shit this week and not even pause…. I had to stop the tape….. but I know even more he would want me to continue living my life to the fullest and continue grinding and loving…. but right now I will admit that I’m a little lost with certain things and I really want to make sure my mom is in order because she seemed to be talking a little crazy this week…. She lost her life partner and I can’t think of anyone I know personally who had a better or happier relationship or life for that long…. I mean damn….. I haven’t cried this hard maybe ever? or at least not in the last 25+ years. This one was 1 of the hardest tests and obstacles to come at me… we’re all headed to the same place, just at different times….
When I was in kindergarten, I learned the golden rule “do onto others, as you would want them to do onto you”
I truly practice that rule even if people who I cross paths with don’t…. I mean, If I do someone dirty, I expect it back, but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen…. If I give 1000% to someone I love, I’d like them to do the same, but I don’t expect it. I’ve learned to give to give…. if you expect something in return when you give someone a gift, then it was never a gift to begin with. Phil Jackson said “never have any expectations and you will never be disappointed” well I don’t completely agree with that, because fuck that, I demand a little more lol… but I 1/2 way feel him on that…..
so right now in conclusion… I’d like to take some time out to thank a few people who showed their brightness of color during my dark week….
thank you Nicolette for being by my side 24 hours , 7 days during my pain and helping my family out….
thank you Craig aka Homicide for making sure I was okay regardless of anything….
thank you Steve my cousin for just holding me down period and making sure the business is always in order and making sure your auntie gets anything she needs…. also to my cousin Jeff for being such a fucking soldier everyday and doing shit I don’t want to do.
thank you to my sister and brother who communicated so well to me and we all stuck together and formed like Voltron during this time….
thank you to the Keshishyan family for reaching out and paying your respects to my family. I know how unbelievably busy you are. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where the funeral was…. I turned my phone off and I can’t believe you guys were coming….. I appreciate you guys for real for real….
thank you francis for being a true friend, you already know
thank you to everyone in my phone book who texted me and sent their blessings… from max murder to clark kent, mayor, far east movement…. etc etc…. too many to list… maybe over 200 peeps….
thank you Travie Mccoy for reaching out and expressing your condolences so thoroughly!
thank you Truth for just being on call
thank you to my cousins on the other side of the fam for paying respect in honor of my moms….
thank you to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for the amazing gift baskets you sent my mom and Katie for showing up at the funeral when 2/3 of the ceremony was in korean and you couldn’t even sit down, but stayed the whole time out of respect to my mom and sister… wow. thank you.
most importantly, thank you to my admirers of this blog. I don’t like to say fans, because I think it’s ridiculous that I have fans or could have fans…. I just got a decent hustle and grind good. repeat that daily.
I’m taking a little time off, but will be lightweight around. I still got everyone’s orders who were in motion delivered to them and don’t know when I’ll blog those pics…. For those of you who still have shit in motion with us, it will get to you in a quick amount of time still…. we closed the store for a couple days, but the show will go on….
meanwhile. you can ALWAYS EMAIL INFO@IFANDCO.COM FOR ANY QUESTIONS OR INQUIRIES….
I want to update the website and give it a face lift soon and do a proper more organized gallery for all of you to see…. still working on a merchant site too.
remember, if you want to buy cheap jewelry, that’s what you will get is cheap jewelry. if you are looking for a southern deal, then go to the south. We don’t make jewelry like that. truth. If you want to save money from buying from rodeo drive, boca raton or 57th in NYC or paris, tokyo etc…. but buy better quality or at least maintain the same quality as those fine boutiques, well then you reached the right spot.
if the tables were turned and I was my mother during the same time periods… I woulda copped a ferrari and penthouse crib (I hate houses, hate landscaping, hate the poolman, hate taking out trash, the list goes on) and did some other dumb shit…. SO THANK GOD I DIDN’T RAISE MYSELF! OR IN OTHER WORDS, THANK GOD MY MOTHER RAISED ME THE WAY SHE DID….. tough love! I have seen her go through some of the best and worst times, from being mugged to losing a business in the LA riots to being cheated by friends for outrageous amounts of money and never have I seen the kind of pain or sorrow she had on her face this past week. I can’t understand, but I try to and it hurts.
back to the material shit… so you get the bentley, rolls royce, lambo etc…. ok, got one…. then what? doesn’t make anything better…. had more kicks than flagship shoe stores had…. there’s always so many more be@rbricks…. none of that shit matters…. I just want to find a comfortable bed and I don’t mean literally or to lie in…. I’m finding peace and putting the pieces together now.