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sometimes….

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sometimes you’ve gone too far to quit and other times you’ve worked too hard to continue. it’s a not so fine line. shit is crazy in life…. as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a late bloomer. I feel as if I could have had maybe 1 or 2 more years in college, I could have done something with playing ball, but that’s not how it works… fortunately in business, you have more time than just 4-5 years in college to figure shit out. it was a dream and basketball or football wasn’t in the books, I accepted that.

but now I’m at a crossroads with some things and I just felt like writing about it here.

I have a great family. a wife who has changed my life, she has calmed me down a lot and has given up her own career to hold down the household and of course our son. Business is really good, actually it’s great but I want a little more… so I have my watches dropping this year and 1/2 of my capsule collection with Diamond also releasing which will carry on to 2014 and maybe longer

but with this reality series? it’s not easy. if it was up to me, things would go different, but its a celebrity based show which I fucking hate. it drives me nuts. I honestly hate that part of the show. the part in which I feel is the key to my show is my character, not the celebrity aspect. I feel like I have dumbed so much shit down to cater to an audience which I feel isn’t truly mine. I’m not delusional but to be honest, I try pretty hard to avoid making rappers chains. I think I make maybe 3 to 4 per year at most, the rest is for pro athletes and the super rich and of course there are the hustlers. Of course there isn’t a major rapper or a signed rapper to a major label who doesn’t know my name… that’s not the point. At first going into this show, I made it more about “the lifestyle” not so much the jewelry itself… and that worked for me… but there was a privacy issue with letting people see too much of my private life. again, there is actually a whole lot that I can’t say or post pics about on social networks… these are things I enjoy with my closet of friends or family…. and again, rappers didn’t make my business. its what I allowed you all to see with certain press. they don’t pay my bills though.

so now after a 3rd try, we went to a google premium channel and my deal was to make this a celebrity driven show, not a character driven show. we don’t have wranglers doing any of the work to get my celebs. this is all my work and through my connections and let me tell you, that shit is not easy. Do you know how hard it is to convince a celebrity to be on my show? hey wanna be on my show? well, first off, you have to fucking really famous. 90% of some of my good friends who are famous didn’t even make the cut because my studio needed guys with insane social media status, a few millon or more at least…. okay cool, guess what? so now you have to buy something and most of my jewelry isn’t cheap. next up? I’m at the mercy of their schedule, not mine… I’m always on time and hate being late. these guys, they don’t care and when I put my entire life into this along with work and my other projects and then come home to raise my son it’s exhausting…. why do you think I haven’t been able to blog for almost 2 months? so we’re so close to wrapping up season 2 of my show, but honestly, I’ve lost interest in continuing. the trailer looks fucking amazing. it’s disgustingly awesome. looks better than most movie trailers and my team put in some good work. but getting things together isn’t my job. that’s the producer and studio’s job. the thing is, I don’t want to do shit if It’s all me, if that’s the case, then I need a few more titles and more money and they are paying me a LOT of money. so now I say, fuck the money, fuck the extra work that I won’t do anymore….

I hate the fact that there are always comparisons in life. some have it easy, some have it very hard…. I have bit my tongue when it comes to that k-town show. but let’s be totally brutally real now. you guys kidding me? you get 7 or 8 people who aren’t from LA and put them together when really all of them already know each other and FORCE THEM to interact in a total fake mostly scripted show and think that’s a good look? and about MY TOWN? smh. the difference is. I don’t want to be famous. I never had any aspirations of achieving fame. these guys??? some would give up a limb, but not so much a vital body part, but still a body part to have 4 minutes of real fame. it’s sad. but that’s hollywood and I’ve seen it for decades… I just wanted to have nice shit in life. I think I got that pretty much handled…. but when it came to my show I looked at it as a commercial to push my business and further build my brand and now? I’m exhausted and just want to buy a wingstop and maybe a starbucks and just spend the rest of my time with son and future kids. I’m over it pretty much. some people are thespians and love the craft of acting. I’m not an actor. with reality tv, the thing is, I hate shows like Jersey Shore or Shahs of Sunset. at least with Jersey Shore, these guys weren’t trying to be anything extra. but shahs? makes me sick to my stomach. I know some of these guys too. the reason why they got on the air was because Ryan Seacrest cosigned the show. otherwise they’d be in the k-town show situation. Tyrese and the jersey shore producers couldn’t get it sold and they even wanted to be the “asian jersey shore”??? really? smh. the crazy thing is my show probably relates to asians the least… but again I’m not after the fame. I’m highly attracted to the fortune. only because I worked so hard to give myself a better life and want my son to live a better life than I ever did coming up.

so where am I now in life?
I think this is the time where I go on vacation and chill out from the internet for a little while. At this point in my life, I still don’t expect things to be given to me, but I’ve also worked too hard to wait any longer for things I feel I deserve.

I’m 40 now and I’ve had way more promises broken than delivered to me. that’s life, but when it’s about 90% broken and 10% delivered in regards to any entertainment related business… it’s time to bow out from this shit. and on the flip side. I think I’ve truly delivered about 78% of any promise I’ve made from my teenager days to now to anyone I even slightly cared about. that’s a decent percentage.

I’m tired as fuck…. can’t wait to hit hawaii or europe with my son…. and parts of asia I haven’t been to in 6 years or longer.

so now this is where I’m coming from.
fuck fame, fuck people who are after it. since I was a little kid, I mean like 5 years old, I would hear at least once a month for about 20 years or more that, “oh Ben, you will be somebody famous one day”. why say that to me? I never gave a shit. if I did, I would have taken acting classes and went on auditions…. I never auditioned for every single feature film I’ve been in… but I don’t want to be daniel day lewis. he’s the real deal. I would feel like I cheated the world if I was next to him in a movie scene. I know what lane I need to be in. I don’t want to be on TMZ or US weekly for some gossip or scandal. I want to be able to watch a movie at the Grove or go to the grocery store without being bothered and these days, it’s already getting to the point where I can’t be anywhere semi crowded without being stopped every few minutes. I have a talent. a talent to build excitement. I have a powerful and persuasive voice and I know I’m a character and of course a marketing genius so I don’t feel like I’ve cheated my followers. most of these basic reality stars? they ain’t got shit else going on. no talent. once the show is over, they’re over or until that money runs out. fuck that. I will always hustle and grind til I’m at 10 figures and then? I will finally feel like I can breathe right

I’m grateful for my life. I know I’m blessed, but I busted my ass for every dollar… and I will not flip burgers because I know I have more to offer than that. I am better than that. to not acknowledge that would be foolish. to be real? some folks aren’t better than that, that’s their only option and they aren’t bad people. that’s all.

so I’ve worked this hard on this show…. 4 years and 5 months in the making and all now to pretty much let it go. to gain what? a lesson… you never lose the lesson. what is the lesson? I’m so dizzy and confused, the fuck if I even know…. smh

it’s late. I should at least try to sleep

peace
much love.

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